Rantings of a Single Mom

The joys, fears and most importantly - Rants of a single mother!

My rantings

67 Days

Posted on July 27, 2010 at 2:48 PM Comments comments (2)

Today is one of those days. Today, I can focus on nothing else, besides getting married.


Married.


Not the wedding. Not the pretty dress, or the cake (mmmm. cake. - ok, wait, I'm being serious!), or the lake/mountain views. I'm excited to gather with loved ones, to laugh & have fun. But, I'm deep-down to my core, ecstatic about marrying the man that I love. I have no misconceptions of the requirements to maintain a successful marriage. I don't think its going to be a cakewalk 24/7...365. But I *know* that we have what it takes to make it. And I'm ready. I'm ready!! I've spent many, many more months than the past 17 preparing for this. I've screwed up royally, fallen, dusted myself off, written myself off, restored faith in my own abilties...I've questioned, listened, analyzed...I've prayed, I've listened (listening is important). And I'm here; and ready for "me" to become "we".


The beginning is almost here. 67 days!

Delayed once again by random going-ons

Posted on April 25, 2010 at 12:53 AM Comments comments (2)

I had some serious stuff to blog about! Shoot.


Yesterday Mike and I hung out with my uncle and his wife. My mother's only brother, he is only 4 years older than my sister and was more like a big brother to us growing up than an uncle. And his wife, I've known her since I was 9 and she was 12.


They had been wanting to go bowling so we decided to get out. I wanted to go somewhere close by so we didn't have to transport the kids (we're almost out of the woods for needing babysitters for evenings out - YAY!). So that meant hanging out in the SW burbs. Uhmm, yeah. It was karaoke night and there were some people in there that a) had been truly misled by someone who told them they could sing b) thought were launching their rap career at Tuttle's bowling alley in Hopkins, MN (smh) c) had consumed WAY too many drinks and needed to go sit down!


I got up there because hey...that's how I roll. I ended up singing Taylor Swift's "You Belong to Me". I done good! LOL! And when I finished Mike gave me a standing ovation :-D


Oh, and yesterday the printed Save the Date's came! Which I will refer to as the STD's, which I like to abbreviate stuff but the whole STD thing always gives me pause....They are SO cool!!! And locked my decision to use the slate gray/apple green as the wedding colors. YAY! I have colors!!!!  I have to get this wedding site done because we've printed the site address on the STD. I'm almost done. It's kind of cool too. I just need to friggin finish it!


Because I could not help myself, I downloaded the template that was provided with the invites I bought. I get tunnel vision. I had to edit it and spent a ton of time doing so. Then I had to print one. I figured that there must be at least 1 extra and if not, we can spare 1 invite. Well, I fed it through upside down (good lesson) but it's really cool to see it all 'official'. The script that I used for our names is sucky. That's what they had in Word. I mentioned to my super handsome fiance that I didn't like the font (he didn't either). He tried editing it in Pages (Mac's 'version' of word processing software). I didn't like that one that much either. Yep. He did his man thing. Right now, the computer has downloaded about 4,500 fonts of 65,000. Hey, that's what men do; I let him do him.


Bek asked about the bridal shower. I didn't know *who* I was supposed to invite. It seems statistically impossible, but at almost 31, I've been to about 5 weddings; 7 or 8 if you count those from when I was a kid. I've been in 2. A couple of them were super hood and I don't think I'd like to follow their example. Another one was of a young but very well off couple. I'm sure, looking at how much stuff costs now, that they spent, easily $25 or $30K on their wedding. So that leaves me like two good examples. And reading the very, very wide range of information on the web.


It's okay. My main purpose remains the same: Marry my sweetheart (YAY ME!!) and to have FUN with my family and loved ones.


160 Days to go!


(HEY, I need one of those widget things!!!)

Supplement!

Posted on April 13, 2010 at 12:24 AM Comments comments (2)

I could have totally edited the previous post, but what fun is that??



OH!! My mom is going to make my veil! I'm really excited about that. Not just because she can make it for probably 1/3 or 1/4 of what the stores charge...but SHE'S excited   Since she's converted to Islam, she makes hijab and other headdress for the sisters of the mosque so I figured a tulle veil shouldn't be much more difficult?? Anyhow, she's already ordered patterns and is going to buy fabric LOL! She's going to make the pillow for the rings too. My sister asked if Mehki will be the ring bearer...but I don't know...he might take our rings to the pawn shop or something...

What's today?

Posted on April 11, 2010 at 12:25 PM Comments comments (2)

Yesterday, Shakese and I went dress shopping!!! WOOOOOHOOO!!!! I can't post pics here because the fiance can't see 'em! I did describe them though :) But he's a man! He doesn't know what rouching and pick-ups and cathedral train means!!!!


(I started this on Sunday and am finishing it Monday night. Man, I've been busy!)


We took the bus downtown, which is about 20 minutes from the park & ride. We had to walk a few blocks (Minneapolis wants to be a big city so badly, that they've started having the express buses stop at every other street. Downtown Mpls is like 12 blocks long...seriously). Anywho, we went to Target, found her a jacket, which she needed, and to kill a little time before the appointment.


When we got there, she was so excited to see all of the dresses :) You are allowed up to 4 dresses in your fitting room at a time. The consultant asked if I wanted to "stay within a pricepoint" or "just try on dresses". Well...I don't want to fall in love with some $2,000 dress so uhm...I don't want to spend over $500 lady (and really closer to $350~$400 with the rest going to alterations) - which I told her my budget was $1,000 because I figured if I fell in love with a dress that was say...$850, I could find it cheaper online.


So, the three of us set off to pull dresses. Shakese was picking OOBER crystalized dresses! She was finding stuff with all sorts of random ass rhinestones and beading and other shenanigans! I tried to humor her with some of them, like the dress with the horrid sheer sleeves - ACK! Some were too big - as in Cinderally ball-gown big. Some were toooooo showy - as in my boobs are kinda big for the rest of me and I don't want to give everyone a show. I tried on 2 dresses that I had found, printed, and pasted in my book. One was 'ok' but the designers "ivory" was really, really white. And it must not have been a silk organza because it was itchy. The other was one of the contenders. I felt very classy & elegant in that one. Very fashion forward. The other contender - OMG! I tried that one on with a veil and really felt like a bride. I was standing in the big mirror trying to imagine his reaction to seeing me in that dress. <> AND, Shakese pulled that one off the rack - go figure.


Afterwards, we went to Panera and had yummy deliciousness. Then we walked over to the bus stop where she was overly excited to pay her $.75 :) A great day.



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Sunday, I was very unhappy to NOT find a swim cap for the girl. I washed, blow dried, and flat ironed her hair like uhmm, Tuesday night (I think). I did the best I could, I put it in two french braids and sent her on her way. She really though she was going to come home and be able to "wear her hair down" to school on Monday - riiiiight.


Plus the car is broken. Stupid cars. A water pump. After replacing the radiator not too long ago. $340. That's my dress money! ;-) It's okay, that's how it goes.


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I have my first final exam 4 weeks from today. May 13th is my last final. I need a friggin job this summer. NO!! What I need is a FREAKIN DECISION FROM ONE OF THESE SCHOOLS!!!!! aarrrrrghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!! RANT! RANT! RANT!


Sheesh. Plus, I have an OChem exam on Monday and a Calc exam in 2 weeks (yes, 2 weeks before the final exam is a 'midterm' exam - retarded).




Life as a fianc?e

Posted on April 9, 2010 at 10:20 AM Comments comments (1)

Ok, so the only difference is that I get to stare at my ring and call him my fiancé! :-) Many months ago, I would stare at him sometimes and say to myself "he's going to be my husband". The first time it happened was a little unnerving; I didn't really *think* about it, the thought just popped in my head while I was staring at his picture. We've been discussing marriage for quite awhile and our wedding for a bit too. And all I know for sure is fall (my favorite season) and outdoors (amongst the pretty leaves & scenery). So, I took off with planning because...some people reserve venues for MONTHS and in some cases a year, year and a half ahead of their date. What I'm finding is A) people are crazy as hell. I am NOT paying you 2, 5, 10 grand to rent your space! I am not paying you $30 or $40 per person for food. B) Wedding planning is not my thing. I get frustrated quickly and I keep going in circles. C) Somebody is going to get cussed out and/or get their feelings hurt. LOL!! I just want to MARRY HIM already! Oh, and I do want a pretty dress (but I'll be damned if I spend anything close to 4 digits on it!). Tomorrow, Shakese and I are hitting this bridal salon downtown with lunch after at Panera. Should be a blast! :-)




The Proposal

Posted on April 4, 2010 at 11:10 PM Comments comments (2)

Apparently, everyone in the English speaking world was in on the plan. Mama y Papa. My sister in law. Bek! LOL!! My brother, my uncle...I can't believe I'm surrounded by secret keepers! I cannot believe Bek kept a secret!!!!!!! Hooligan!


April 2, 2010 was our 11 month anniversary. We woke up, really as excited, as we are any other day, LOL! We wished each other a happy anniversary, and in retrospect, I realize that he was just so…intense that morning. But that’s my baby; he is SO loving. When he picked me up from the bus stop, I was DEAD tired. I wanted to go home and take a nap!


We’d talked about going to see Why Did I Get Married Too and I just figured we’d see a late show. But then he asked if I wanted to do dinner also. Well, DUH! So I decided on a place and then started getting a little excited again. LOL! We were supposed to leave at 5:45 for our dinner reservations and he asked if we could leave at 5:30. I was confused but said sure. Then, THEN I started noticing him acting WEIRD. He was very concerned with my timing on everything that I was doing!


I left out to go get my niece, but I ended up taking the other kids (Shakese, MJ, and Kese’s friend Selena) and dropping them off at the store on my way out. So, apparently he came out after I left, looking for the kids so they could formulate the plan. But the kids were GONE! HA!!! He was all frustrated. :-p


When I got back, I still had to flat iron my hair. And again with the weirdness! He was running back and forth. Upstairs to downstairs. And the last straw was when MJ called up to say he was going outside. Mike nearly knocked me down running after MJ. WHAT?!?! NO ONE runs after MJ! LOL!!!! Mike was clearing Shakese’s camera off and kept saying he needed MJ to let Kese know he had the camera; it made zero sense. But I was like...whatever. They were planning on going to the park, but they were still downstairs. And that didn’t make any sense. Then, I text Bekand said DUDE!!!!!!!! I think this is IT!


When I got downstairs, Kierra was sitting on the couch, with the video camera and looking all bug-eyed :) And they were all just sitting around. Mike said, “the kids have a surprise for you”. I was like, uhmmm, okay. And he said it again.  And then had me sit down at the dining room table. Shakese popped up and got the book. The book is an extremely wonderful account of our time together. Complete with pictures and all! I love it!!! So I was instructed to read aloud. Hmmmmm.  As I’m reading, and laughing, and being silly, I was “less” suspicious. BUT, when I got to the end of the book, there was a picture of the ring. And then….boy oh boy! :-D




Mike began reciting the speech that he’d prepared and on cue, MJ presented the ring box (it was really awesome).



And THEN, THEN, he got down on one knee (EEeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!) and said “Will you marry me?”.AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I think I said “YES!” about 3317 times! I needed to be sure that he knew the answer was YES!




It was amazing! He is amazing! And now, I’m just waiting forthe day that I can exchange vows with him and be husband & wife. (EEEEEeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)


 


Hard Labor - Part Deux

Posted on February 6, 2010 at 11:18 AM Comments comments (2)

LOL! :) Well, you had to know the boys' turn was coming!  So my kids are 3 days apart...we know this already! :-)


Shakese was 9 months, 2 days old when I found out I was pregnant with MJ. It was my dad's birthday and my little brother's 8th grade graduation. I told NO ONE. I mean, I'm in there changing Shakese's diaper and I'm pregnant!!!!


 

There were a lot of family issues going on around that time and I was under a ton of stress. I went in for my 7 month check up and was already dialated about 1 1/2 cm. My midwife freaked out and put me on bed rest. [Side note: having a midwife during pregnancy instead of an OB significantly lowers out of pocket costs for prenatal care. And a doctor still performs the delivery] Bed rest is depressing. At first it was fun. I'd sit on my butt all day, watch TLC: A Baby Story, eat Oreo's and whatever randomness Uncle Ty made me for breakfast (like waffles with mozarella sticks). But after awhile, not so much. I went into labor a gazillion times and they kept stopping it. Hey! Maybe I should do some research and see if those drugs have any effect on the kid because MJ is crazy! LOL!!


 

Saturday night, my mom was up all night cooking. There was some big event at church on Sunday and there were a ton of people staying at our house. I woke up at about 5 a.m. with those familiar back pains. My midwife had already decided this little guy was determined to debut and said the next time I go into labor, we're letting it happen. So I knew this was it. My mom was already up, checking on food, etc.

 


[Side note on mom...she doesn't care what you have going on. Before she goes to the hospital she is making her some breakfast. My niece was almost born in a cab because of this!]


 

I got up and started packing my bag. I took a shower, made & fed Shakese her breakfast, all with an occasional break to let a labor pain pass. Within a couple hours the contractions were coming fast. I told her I was ready and called the kids' dad and grandparents. Neither responded immediately because I sounded "too calm" LOL!


 

We got to the hospital, maybe around 8:00. I was determined to get an epidural this time. But nope. I was 4 cm and the midwife (very pro-natural birth) says, "on average, you dialate about 1 cm per hour, why don't you try soaking in a warm bath, it'll help relieve the pain." Well, around 45 minutes later I had a very "what the hell?!" feeling. This was my water breaking (I didn't have this w/Kese, they did it manually when I was already in friggin pain). I rang the little emergency thingy and the nurses rushed in. They get me on the bed and whaddya know, I'm fully dialated! Bastards!!!! Again, no drugs! Arrgghhhhh! :mad:So now I'm pissed cause its gonna hurt!  It was 9:15 when she first said I could start pushing. At 9:18 a.m. on Sunday, February 6th, MJ was born.


 

He weighed in at 7lbs 1 oz and was 22.5" long. Poor guy had a low body temp and I couldn't hold him right away. He had to go under the warming lights, like a cheeseburger! LOL! When I did hold him, I had to think back a lil bit because I'm telling you, this kid looked hispanic! Who is this little Latino baby?! This time, their dad was sober and was basically in the corner, hiding behind the curtain. Afraid to come out.


 

I do not remember much of M's early months. Maybe its because they're 3 days apart and it all meshed together?! I do remember everyone calling him a weird little baby...and now we call him a weird little boy. He used to make all these crazy faces and make all these weird body movements. And I swear he looked like Gazoo from the Flintstones!


Bless his little heart, he started sleeping through the night at 2 months. He walked at around 9 months. And he didn't talk for a loooooong ass time! Now we can't PAY him to be quiet. Well, wait...that might actually work. He has an extreme fascination with money - this we know did NOT come from me. He was so clumsy that I repeatedly took him in for hearing checks because his balance was horrible!


When he was about 4 years old, he was in love with a girl named Lauren Fletcher. He would give her his blanket at nap time. He would lend is sweatshirt when she was cold. They would plan to wear their Culpepper jerseys on the same day!! He punched Kobe (who is still his best friend) for kissing Lauren on the cheek.


 

He's so laid back. He's incredibly bright. The most observant kid (person) I've ever met. He's a math whiz. He remembers EVERYTHING. He's overly affectionate and probably thinks too much. He excels at every sport he plays. He is quite a creative writer.  He's overly dramatic. He is never going to leave me. This is an issue :) I will try my very best not to ruin him for the future Mrs. Malon.


 

Happy 10th Birthday to my favorite boy, who makes me smile every single day.


Ending a year...and a decade

Posted on December 31, 2009 at 11:45 PM Comments comments (6)

At this time 10 years ago, I was at home, almost 8 months pregnant with MJ. I was on bedrest and was probably eating peanut m&m's or oreo cookies and watching 'A Baby Story'. That may explain MJ's sugar addiction. I was a junk food junkie while I was pregnant with him.


Over the next 2 years, I dealt with two major bouts of depression, went through a year of counseling, antidepressants, and fantasies of running away and starting a new life somewhere else. I hit some really low points during this time.


 

Life got better, I spent the next 3 years working at a company I loved, doing work I enjoyed and was very good at, but for a boss that I literally hated. Hate is a strong word, but I really wanted to wait outside her house and beat the shit out of her or something. I was the main payroll contact. I enjoyed being different -aka- not an asshole. People were so accustomed to their payroll/HR department giving them a hard time, treating them like second class citizens, and I made it my business to always, always be curteous and helpful, even when people were being utterly ridiculous. I worked there for exactly 3 years; from 11-18-02 to 11-18-05. That is the longest I've ever worked anywhere. That's crazy!


 

But, I made some bad choices and the next 3 years were hell. H-E-L-L I tellyou! I suffered a lot.  Went through my "why me" period, but in hindsight, continued to live recklessly. Doing stupid stuff. Making horrible choices. Constantly setting myself up for failure. Always waiting for stuff to go wrong, but not realizing that everything was going wrong because of ME.  At some point, I realized that what I was missing was faith. I did not believe. I claimed to believe in God, but I was not living as if I did. As you probably know, this is a process. I started searching for answers, praying, asking for guidance. And now, now my life is better than it has truly ever been. 


To recap this year...err...the beginning of the year is a blur. InJanuary 2009, I was ready to live a new life, according to a new path that was set for me, that much I do know. I knew I needed to open my mind and my heart to new possibilities. I had to stop having a defeatist attitude towards school; I mean, yes, it's hard as hell, but it's not impossible. I had to learn that. I had to stop fooling myself into thinking I wasn't harboring past hurts and projecting them into the present. Again, prayer works...it changes things.


Another thingthat helped was starting this blog, which was approximately March of thisyear. I go back sometimes and read earlier posts and laugh, or shake my head, or like when I just skimmed the post after my parents moved...tear up. It is amazing to be witness to personal growth,especially when it's your own.


 

In May I met Mike. ::swoon:: I knew (knew) right away that this was it. This was the guy. So many times I've told friends or family, "Nope. Heis definitely NOT the guy." And then we found each other (awesomeness). At some point, last year, while I was figuring out what I needed/wanted to do differently with myself and with my life and relationships, I made a list of 10 must have qualities (real, true qualities) and 10 absolute dealbreakers. In June, I was questioning myself, I couldn't believe that I was falling in love so quickly. This does not happen to me. I've very"in control" of my emotions :roll:. So in my journal (which is a combination of thoughts & also prayers that I write out), I was questioning these feelings and how he just seemed to be so right for me. I wrote down the things I liked most about him; what I admired, appreciated, etc. Not too long after that, I found that list that I'd made. And I swear to goodness (mama always said don't "swear") everythingthat I'd written in the journal matched the list of 10. None of the dealbreakers applied. And this has been an amazing (almost) 8 months!


 

I've still had some struggles this year, but nothing that makes me feel helpless or hopeless. I wake up happy & go to bed happy. I amjoyful. My kids are happy. Mike is happy. I'm growing stronger in myfaith. I am fully prepared for the year ahead; it's going to be a great one!



Its that time

Posted on December 24, 2009 at 8:04 PM Comments comments (2)

Its Christmas Eve. As you well know, I have been studying and giving no focus to the impending holiday. A comedienne I follow on Twitter said, "2000 yrs ago, a savior was born, and because of that I am at Home Depot buying my father a drill" :-) I really loved that tweet.

 

I am not passing judgement; I spent many years, like many other Americans, caught up in the commercialism of the day. Buying and buying and buying. Insanity. Even if one doesn't necessarily identify as Christian, still, the day should be about love, sharing, and giving. And you don't have to spend tons of money to give. Time, effort, etc are important and necessary. Another first without my parents. Usually, the'd get up Christmas morning, head to one of my siblings', hang out, and on to the next place, with everyone ending up at my house for breakfast. Its okay. The kids and I are going to head over to my sisters after they open their presents. We'll hang with them for most of the day and then back home. I'm going to text baby bro now to see if he's going to come over. I have one gift already! MJ's big brother bought me a Snuggie!!!!!!! And its a U of MN Snuggie!!!!! I'm wearing it now, sitting in my papasan chair, watching Angels & Demons. :) Shakese's big sister took them out last weekend and they both bought me something. I'm excited :-) MJ is always so thrilled to watch me open his gifts!

 

Also, we were adopted again this year through the student parent center at school. They gave me $100 gift card to Target, which I used to shop for the kids. Aside from that, I spent maybe $60. I wanted to get them RockBand for Wii but that wasn't in the budget. Soon though. I love that game!! From the adopt-a-family I have warm angora socks YAY ME!!! And a shirt that looks possibly too small (I blame the finals week carbo overload!) And I bought myself a super cute hat. Not a winter hat but a bad-hair day hat. I'm not able to spend the day with my sweetheart, but I'm working not to be down about it. I know we'll have many many more holidays together. ((this post has gotten looong!))

 

Ooh, and I am really looking forward to my December 31, 2009 blog entry, very excited about the possibilities of 2010! Can't wait!!

Floating...

Posted on November 22, 2009 at 11:19 AM Comments comments (2)

I don't have anything in particular to address today. I just want to share that I'm happy. Joyful, really. I don't have all the things I would like to have. I'm not in the place I thought I'd be at this stage of my life. Circumstances aren't perfect. But what truly matters is that I'm in a place of peace. I'm beyond content, and am experiencing highs that I've never felt before (hey, dope is for dopes! I mean high off life) :) I've asked for a lot of the wrong stuff -- often. Right now I have all that I need and the best part is; I know there's more to come.